you said wet shirt don't break . . .

. . . not piss shirt bend bar!

It was a boring weekend. I was a boring old lady and did boring old people things like watch boring fireworks on tv and go to bed early and shop for groceries. Being broke surely puts a damper on the excitement factor. In other news . . . i have started working out daily and eating relatively healthy. Here's to showing all those asshole guys what they could have had.

“The greater your capacity to love . . .

. . . the greater your capacity to feel the pain.”

I feel like is is impossible to allow yourself to feel, to love, and to live without also allowing yourself to be hurt, be used, or be abused. It is the plague of the modernized world and the plight of the modern woman.

I wish I were better at dealing with it.

Hush Hush

I never needed you to be strong
I never needed you for pointing out my wrongs
I never needed pain, I never needed strain
My love for you was strong enough, you should have known

I never needed you for judgements
I never needed you to question what I spent
I never asked for help, I take care of myself
I don't know why you think you gotta hold on me

And it's a little late for conversations
There isn't anything for you to say
And my eyes hurt, hands shiver,
So look at me and listen to me
Because

I don't want to stay another minute
I don't want you to say a single word
Hush hush, hush hush
There is no other way, I get the final say because
I don't want to do this any longer
I don't want you, there's nothing left to say
Hush hush, hush hush
I've already spoken, our love is broken
Baby hush hush

I never needed your corrections
On everything from how I act to what I say
I never needed words, I never needed hurt
I never needed you to be there every day

I'm sorry for the way I let go
On everything I wanted when you came along
But I ain't never beatin', broken not defeated
I know next to you is not where I belong

I forgot the lily beetles.

I'm itching for a tattoo. This is what I want to incorporate.
See below..


Flame Lily


Wood Lily


Mariposa Lily

Mariposa Lily (2)


Turk's Cap


Amazon Lily


Guernsey Lily


Aztec Lily


Aztec Lily (2)


This bee is amazing . . .


Kaffir Lily


Carolina Lily / Praying Mantis (cool!)


Butterfly on a Lily!


Butterfly and Spider Lily (amazing)


Water lily and dragonfly


Other dragonfly / lily images:
http://www.fototime.com/68F16D014854497094D265B42DDB3338/standard.jpg
http://www.bestphotoposters.co.uk/catalog/images/dragonfly_on_lily_popUp.jpg
http://i.pbase.com/u46/lindaphelps/upload/29519027.7724pinkwaterlilyorangedragonflycopy.jpg
http://www.kfkproducts.com/catalog/images/05032%20Dragonfly%20light%20jpg.jpg
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3140/2684195614_284b1904b6.jpg
http://sarfaty.us/Japanese%20Gardens/water%20lilly%20and%20dragonfly_std.jpg
http://www.istockphoto.com/file_thumbview_approve/1522474/2/istockphoto_1522474-yellow-water-lily-blue-dragonfly.jpg
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/a/a2/Dragonfly_on_a_lilly.jpg
http://i1.treknature.com/photos/15274/dragon_fly.jpg
http://www.clearlifephoto.com/Misc/046%20Lili%20Dragonfly%203%20Preview.jpg

“Things could be worse . . .

. . . Suppose your errors were counted and published every day, like those of a baseball player.”

I'm not going to make this into something it's not, but I still have every right to be angry.

I think if I were to dwell on things too much, I might lose the ability to trust altogether. Yes, it's like that. I just did not expect to be blindsided -- a little bit of a warning flag would have been nice.

I know exactly what I want. I know the kind of person I want to be with, the kind of life I want to have, the type of relationship I want to grow old in. I'd be lying to myself if I said anything I've come across this far even slightly fills that criteria, yet I let myself get so wrapped up in maybes, and possibilities, that it still hurts when you're left alone to wonder and, eventually, deal with the inevitable reality of being left alone.

I feel sick to my stomach with resentment. Someone help -- I do not want to be that person.

"If we are facing in the right direction . . .

. . . all we have to do is keep on walking."

I finally feel that at this point in my life I'm facing in the right direction (well, maybe a few degrees off, but generally speaking).

I have a job. Granted, I don't make as much as I should, and I don't work as hard as I can, but atleast I have a job. A step. All I need to do is just keep on walking this road, and it can only get better.

I have amazing friends! You couldn't ask for a better support system. I know that the people who are with me now are those that will be there forever. It feels amazing to finally reach that point in your life where you have found your lifelong friends. It took awhile, it hurt a little bit, and it sure was confusing.. but the long road to where I stand now, with these amazing people by my side, was totally worth it.

I have a Masters degree. I didn't think I could do it. I got really scared. I came within millimeters of bailing on the whole thing. I perservered. I kept on walking, even though it was hard, mortifying, and depressing. I made it.

I have the future. It is mine for the taking. I will embrace every opportunity I'm given, enjoy ever breath I take.

“Then indecision brings its own delays . . .

. . . And days are lost lamenting o'er lost days.
Are you in earnest? Seize this very minute;
What you can do, or dream you can, begin it;
Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.”


So, in breaking news, we're going to Knoxville the weekend of May 15th. This is exciting! A getaway! Meet-in-the-middle weekend with the bestest!! :-) Girls weekend, for sure. I loooove SPONTANEITY!

Things are good.

"All the statistics in the world . . .

. . . can't measure the warmth of a smile."

Waking up a little bit brighter today, despite the rain and the incessant urge to turn the alarm off instead of hitting snooze. I managed to leave on time, make it to the staffing agency to turn in my time card, as well as get to campus early enough to trek to Patterson Hall and drop off my Graduation Attendance sheet.

This is my last week of teaching, thank god. I mean, I enjoy making a difference and helping them out, but the routine is so incredibly monotonous. Since I'm teaching as an assistant, I follow the professor's plan, not my own. It'd be so much nicer to follow my own ideas. Anyway, it'll all be over after Wednesday.

Work: There are three statistics coders, myself included. Friday, Eric walked out. And then there were two.

This implies more work for myself and less FB. Lame!

I am procrastinating. I have homework due tomorrow. I have yet to start it. I don't care.

I need some BFF time -- let the countdown begin. I guess that means I need to decide on a visit date for reals. I'll get back to you on that.

"The greatest loss of time is delay and expectation, which depend on the future . . .

. . . We let go the present, which we have in our power, and look forward to that which depends upon chance, and so relinquish a certainty for an uncertainty."

If we weren't willing to face the uncertainties, where would we get ourselves? Nowhere. That doesn't mean uncertainty isn't hard. It is hard. It's scary, defeating, and tiring, but it's life. In order to change and grow, we must take risks; in order to take risks, we must face uncertainties. I just wish that I were better at maintaining my emotional stability while hanging in limbo.

It's freeing to let go of everything that you know for certain, that you've grown comfortable with, that you have accepted as normal. It's exciting to hope, to dream, to wish for the future.

It's just scary being vulnerable, but sometimes I think it would be easier if I just wore my heart on my sleeve.


~~~~~

One and a half weeks left of my educational career. I will be a free woman, with a Masters degree in hand. I am so incredibly excited to be done with school. It's time I learned to live in the real world.


~~~~~

Things are good. I'm happy. But that doesn't mean I can't be scared.

"The life of the creative man is lead, directed and controlled by boredom . . .

. . . Avoiding boredom is one of our most important purposes."
















1. Go to Wikipedia. Click random article. The title of the article will be your band name.


2. The last five-four words of the last quote in the article is the album name.


3. Go to flickr. Click on the last minute, and the third pic MUST be your album cover!





"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet . . .

. . . what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"

"Every person has the power to make others happy . . .

. . . Some do it simply be entering a room --
others by leaving the room.
Some individuals leave trails of gloom;
others, trails of joy.
Some leave trails of hate and bitterness;
others, trails of love and harmony.
Some leave trails of cynicism and pessimism;
others trails of faith and optimism.
Some leave trails of criticism and resignation;
others trails of gratitude and hope.

What kind of trails do you leave?"

"Love is like a booger . . .

. . . You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it."

::EDIT::
I think I was just being cynical -- who wouldn't want love? It's just hard to find.
:: end-EDIT::


(Anytime anyone says the word booger, I can't help but conjure up an image of the Loganator . . . haha, no hard feelings, but it makes me giggle . . . booger!)

Hence why you never see me picking my nose . . . I really want nothing to do with the L word right now. I definitely have too much going on to involve someone else in this chaos. Besides, there's enough of love in the lives of everyone else -- I'll stick with getting my fill vicariously. Love is a retarded, sticky mess that I'm not ready for. . . especially not from Jesse, my old hick-t-shirt-wearing, orange-hunting-hat-loving, slurred-speech-delivering, OT boyfriend. *gag*

What I would like, though, is a job. If anyone has any ideas, don't hesitate to let me know . . .

I woke up early this morning, unenthusiastically, to finish homework, that I made look all professional because the assignment said: "Write as if I were your supervisor and you were giving me a project analysis." Hence, I wrote as if Dr. Dickey was my supervisor and I was handing in a market-basket analysis. Douche Bag (we'll call him DB for short) smart ass saw it and made fun of my having worked so hard. Now, you know me . . . I didn't work hard, I just made it look like I did. I like producing good work. But now, it is an hour later, and he's still laughing and I AM MAD. Stupid DB.


Life is full of DB's. I need to learn how to avoid them.

"A new friend is as new wine . . .

. . . when it is old, thou shalt drink it with pleasure."

Nothing like a bible passage to remind me of how lucky I am to have the friends I do, and compare them to wine, no less. I find that ironically appropriate.

Amanda is my vintage Chianti. I wouldn't dare let anyone break the cork, or steal it out of my wine cabinet. You can't put a price on it either, so don't even try. It's there for good, and I'll dust it off everyday. I know it's already aged appropriately, but I'm a hoarder -- I say time can only make it even better.

Holly, you're my Christmas Wine. Just kidding! You're spirit lies in a millennial bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon, whether you like it or not. The year 2000 snuck up and seemed to manifest its great importance out of nowhere, and my millennial bottle represents such a momentous occasion. It grows more valuable everyday. I can only imagine how great it'll be 50 years from now, and will continue to nurture it.

So girls, when we're old, grey, and living on the same street with little porches and rocking chairs, we're cracking open a bottle (or a few) in celebration.

"Live each season as it passes . . .

breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each."



The winter is cold -- not as cold as an Ohio winter, or a New York winter, or a Chicago winter, or an Arctic winter -- but still cold. It becomes so incredibly easy to procrastinate, hibernate, inebriate, when it's cold. I find myself wasting a lot of time (now is no exception) and, contradicting as it is, complaining about not having enough time. One of the many curses of life, I suppose. In our heads, or atleast mine (and I feel my mind may be an unbiased estimator), I feel too busy 90%(estimated true percentage) of the time, but yet I still find plenty of opportunities to reorganize my email inbox or watch old shows saved on the DVR. It's a sad, sad rut the cold season brings. I fail to enjoy often enough the cool air(I loathe taking Vegas out), the satisfaction of a warm tea or coffee (I must confess, I've been working on the tea thing), the heartiness of homecooked winter meals(again, trying), the plethora of sweaters in my closet(if only they weren't itchy), and the overall sense of winter and the closeness it inspires. Why can't I be a winter person? Because I'm too busy. HAH. I fool myself.

It's just too damn cold. :-) I think it's impossible (maybe improbable is a better choice of vocabulary) to enjoy these 3 months, no matter where you live. What is WRONG with those people who go skiing? Over my dead (death by statistics) body.



Anyway . . . it's the year 2009. I made no resolutions this year because I knew I'd never be able to keep any. Kind of pathetic, I know. Maybe I'll think of some and make mid-year resolutions. I feel the patheticness taking over, so I best do something about it fast.

You know what cures all pathetic, winter-induced, ails? An Irish Coffee OR . . . a trip to Key West.

Bring on the Bailey's and Jameson! Happy Friday, and welcome to my life as an adult blogger.

"I feel sorry for people who do not drink . . . When they wake up in the morning it is as good as they are going to feel all day."